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Blimey, that was funny !!

Blind Parachutist 

 

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

 

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Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, is having a picnic with his girlfriend. After the meal, she turns to him and says, "Pierre, kiss my red lips." Pierre pulls out his best bottle of red wind and empties it all over the girl's lips, then he dives in. After five minutes she pulls back and, out of breath, says, "Pierre, that's wonderful, but why the wine?" "Because I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and with red meat, I drink red wine." "Oooh," she purrs, "kiss me lower." Pierre pulls out a bottle of white wine and splashes it over her breasts. He rips her blouse off and dives in, kissing. After five minutes she pulls back and pants, "Wonderful! But why do you need the white wine?" "Because I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I eat white meat, I drink white wine." The girl swoons. "Oooh, Pierre , kiss me even lower." Pierre reaches into the picnic basket, pulls out his best cognac and pours it over her crotch. He strikes a match, throws it in and up it goes. "Aarghh! Pierre, Pierre!" yells the woman, patting down the flames. "Why? Why" "Because I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot," he answers coolly. "And when I go down, I go down in flames."

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One day, a blonde went to get flying lessons on how to fly a plane. An Instructor at the airport said there were no more plane flying lessons this year, but she could take helicopter lessons. The blonde agreed and the instructor taught her. After this he said, go up by yourself and, “I’ll radio you every 1000 feet you go in the air”, to check everything’s ok. The blonde agreed.

 

She jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, he radioed her and asked how she was doing. She said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he radioed her and asked how she was doing. She said she was doing great. But right before she got to 3000 feet, the blades stopped turning and she started plummeting to the ground and crash landed. The instructor ran over to pull her out of the helicopter. He asked her what went wrong because she was doing so well before. The blonde said, “At 2500 feet, I started to get cold so I turned the big fan off.” 

 

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Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off.

"What's so funny?" they asked him.

"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."

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Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots uniforms, both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a practical joke.

None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin, but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die"

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Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

 

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Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

 

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It wasn't me !!

Oh, No !!!!!!!!

I know where he's gone !!
Phwarr, better out than in !!

OOOOh, that's better !!

Now that was funny !!

 
 
More Humour added by Dave.

 

Braunstone Park Flyers, Dave & Ashley 2006-2007